youtube SEO, tricks for blogger, wordpress tricks for earning money online youtube earning, whatsapp,windows, android & all about new technology.

100 Top Funny Quotes

No comments

Funny top quotes for our website viewers selected collection of funny quotes by famous authors.

  1. With improve, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
  2. I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
  3. Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
  4. Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
  5. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
  6. If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
  7. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
  8. It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!
  9. Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
  10. As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
  11. I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
  12. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
  13. The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have.
  14. Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
  15. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
  16. It's a funny thing; the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
  17. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
  18. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
  19. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
  20. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  21. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
  22. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
  23. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
  24. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  25. I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
  26. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
  27. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
  28. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
  29. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
  30. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
  31. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
  32. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
  33. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  34. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
  35. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
  36. My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
  37. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
  38. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
  39. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
  40. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
  41. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
  42. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
  43. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
  44. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
  45. Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
  46. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
  47. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
  48. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
  49. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
  50. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  51. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
  52. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
  53. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is horned by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
  54. An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
  55. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
  56. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
  57. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
  58. The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.
  59. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
  60. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
  61. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
  62. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Sakes.
  63. I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time.
  64. I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
  65. That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
  66. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
  67. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  68. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
  69. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
  70. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
  71. When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
  72. I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
  73. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  74. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
  75. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
  76. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  77. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
  78. Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
  79. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
  80. There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
  81. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
  82. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
  83. I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
  84. I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
  85. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
  86. It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
  87. My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
  88. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  89. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
  90. When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
  91. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
  92. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
  93. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
  94. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
  95. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
  96. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
  97. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  98. Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
  99. Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
  100. If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.