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100 Top Funny Quotes

Funny top quotes for our website viewers selected collection of funny quotes by famous authors.

  1. With improve, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
  2. I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
  3. Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
  4. Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
  5. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
  6. If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
  7. My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
  8. It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!
  9. Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
  10. As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
  11. I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
  12. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
  13. The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have.
  14. Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
  15. A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
  16. It's a funny thing; the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
  17. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
  18. Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
  19. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
  20. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  21. We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
  22. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
  23. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
  24. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  25. I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
  26. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
  27. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
  28. If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
  29. There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
  30. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
  31. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
  32. If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
  33. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  34. Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
  35. I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
  36. My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
  37. Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
  38. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
  39. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
  40. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
  41. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
  42. If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
  43. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
  44. I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
  45. Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
  46. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
  47. That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
  48. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
  49. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
  50. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  51. Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
  52. The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
  53. Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is horned by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
  54. An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
  55. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
  56. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
  57. The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
  58. The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.
  59. It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
  60. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
  61. I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
  62. Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Sakes.
  63. I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time.
  64. I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
  65. That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
  66. Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
  67. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  68. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
  69. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
  70. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
  71. When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
  72. I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
  73. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  74. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
  75. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
  76. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  77. If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
  78. Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
  79. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
  80. There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
  81. Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
  82. The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
  83. I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
  84. I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
  85. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
  86. It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
  87. My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
  88. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  89. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
  90. When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
  91. Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
  92. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
  93. If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
  94. The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
  95. The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
  96. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
  97. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  98. Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
  99. Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
  100. If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.

Top 65 Inspirational Quotes


Best Inspirational and Motivational Quotes by famous authors improve your self by good thoughts increase positive think in your mind below is given top quotes for you.

  1. We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
  2. Believe you can and you're halfway there.
  3. The truth is on the march and nothing will stop it.
  4. We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.
  5. You must do the things you think you cannot do.
  6. Silent pictures show us how we lived and what our attitudes were. And as an art form, they can be wonderfully entertaining and often inspirational.
  7. Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul.
  8. Our ideals are our better selves.
  9. Happiness is the natural flower of duty.
  10. Teachers need to be more inspirational. But it's also up to engineering to make itself more interesting.
  11. Space is an inspirational concept that allows you to dream big.
  12. I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'
  13. I think that the reason for my success is that I am really not aspirational. I am inspirational in that the people at home feel like they can really relate to me.
  14. Ideas shape the course of history.

  15. Inspiring quotes

  16. I do a lot of inspirational talks for kids, to motivate them to change their lives and give them hope.
  17. Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
  18. Brand is not a product, that's for sure; it's not one item. It's an idea, it's a theory, it's a meaning, it's how you carry yourself. It's aspirational, it's inspirational.
  19. Great hopes make great men.
  20. God loves to help him who strives to help himself.
  21. When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.
  22. Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.
  23. God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.
  24. Let us dream of tomorrow where we can truly love from the soul, and know love as the ultimate truth at the heart of all creation.
  25. We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.
  26. In a gentle way, you can shake the world.
  27. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today!
  28. I believe there's an inner power that makes winners or losers. And the winners are the ones who really listen to the truth of their hearts.
  29. I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.

  30. Motivational quotes

  31. It is not ignorance but knowledge which is the mother of wonder.
  32. I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
  33. You don't look out there for God, something in the sky, you look in you.
  34. From a small seed a mighty trunk may grow.
  35. As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.
  36. You change your life by changing your heart.
  37. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
  38. You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.
  39. I love those who yearn for the impossible.
  40. Whoever is happy will make others happy too.
  41. It is never too late to be what you might have been.
  42. Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
  43. There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

  44. Positive quotes

  45. If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it.
  46. All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.
  47. Everyone here has the sense that right now is one of those moments when we are influencing the future.
  48. Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge.
  49. Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative place where no one else has ever been.
  50. Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
  51. Change your thoughts and you change your world.
  52. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
  53. It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.
  54. Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
  55. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
  56. Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.
  57. Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

  58. Good Thoughts

  59. I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.
  60. We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
  61. Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  62. What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
  63. What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.
  64. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
  65. As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
  66. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
  67. By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
  68. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
  69. Each day provides its own gifts.

60 Romantic Love Quotes

love quotes image

60 Best love quotes collection top new and selected quotes for your love enjoy most popular funny and romantic love quotes .

    Love Quotes for Him or Her

  1. To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you are the world.
  2. If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever.
  3. Each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
  4. I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
  5. My love for you is past the mind, beyond my heart, and into my soul.
  6. If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life.
  7. My love for you has no depth, its boundaries are ever-expanding My love and my life with you will be a never-ending story.
  8. You're special to me in every way. Thank you for being who you are and for letting me be myself
  9. If I had to choose between breathing and loving you I would use my last breath to tell you I love you
  10. Let your love be like the misty rain, coming softly, but flooding the river
  11. Love stretches your heart and makes you big inside.
  12. I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
  13. Your love shines in my heart as sun that shines upon the earth.
  14. You gave me the greatest gift, the growth of love. It started as a little seed and has grown into a flowering tree.
  15. To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.
  16. I want every morning to start being wrapped in your arms.
  17. Wherever I go, whomever I am with and whatever I do, I know you are always with me. And you should better know that I will always need you.
  18. You are always there when I get into trouble, lifting me up when I am down, cheering me with your jokes and sharing my sorrows. You are the air I need to breathe and I cannot live without you.
  19. I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever.
  20. I've fallen in love many times... always with you

  21. Love Quotes in English

  22. I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
  23. I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
  24. Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same.
  25. Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?
  26. What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
  27. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
  28. If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy.
  29. Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
  30. The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
  31. Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.
  32. Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.
  33. The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed.
  34. There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not.
  35. Love is the only reality and it is not a mere sentiment. It is the ultimate truth that lies at the heart of creation.
  36. Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses.
  37. Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never.
  38. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
  39. Love seecatch not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
  40. Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods.
  41. We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.

  42. Love Quotes in Hindi

  43. Hame dekh k chehra ghuma lete hai, mere naam pe najre fira lete hai, par ek bat pe na chale jor unka, krte hai baatein gairo ki, lekin kasme mere nam ki kha lete hai..
  44. Hans kar gam ko bhulana kitna mushkil hai, Hans kar gam ko bhulana kitna mushkil hai……. Toot kar fir muskurana kitna mushkil hai. Jab door tak chalo kisee ke saath to Tanha loat kar aana kitna mushkil hai!
  45. Sapna h ankho me mgr neend kahi or h, Dil to hai jism me magar dhadkan kahi or hai! Kaise bayan kare apna HaaL-E-Dil, Jee to rahe h magar zindgi kahi or hai.
  46. Apko paakar ab khona nahi chahate. Itna khush ho ker ab rona nahi chahate. Yeh aalam hai hamara aapki judai se. Aankho mein neend hai magar sona nahi chahate.
  47. Tum mano Na Mano hm yaad karenge tum sMJho na sMJho huM aitbaR krege kya kre ya Rishta hi kuch esa he tum Msg kR0 ya Na kR0 hM intezaR kaRen
  48. Jo nahi ata uska intezar kyo hota hai kisi ke liye apna ye hal kyu hota hai yu to duniya me kafi log pyare hai par jo nahi milta usi se pyar kyu hota ha
  49. Tum dost ho mere sada k liye, Main zinda hoon tumhaari wafa k liye, Kar Lena laakhon shikwa mujhse magar, Na hona khafa khuda k liye.
  50. Fir nahi baste wo dil jo ek baar ujad jate hain, Kabrein jitni bhi saja lo, par koyi zinda nahi hota.
  51. Aapki judai bhi humein pyar karti hai. Aapki yaad bahut bekrar karti hai. Jaate jaate kahin bhi mulakat ho jaye aapse, Talash aapko yeh nazar bar bar karti hai…
  52. Kabhi b Kisi ki bat par aitbar mat karna, Dosti ki had kabhi par na karna, Kho doge use hamesha k liye, Isliye jo sabse achcha lage usse kabhi pyar na kaRna.
  53. Dil Ki Dhadkan Se Teri Awaz Aati Hai, Meri Har Saans Se Teri Awaz Aati Hai , Na Jane Kya Ho Gya Hai Muje , Main Baat Karta Hu Teri Awaz Aati Hai…
  54. Duniya jise neend keheti hai, Jane woh kya cheez hoti hai, Aankhe to hum bhi band karte hain, Aur woh aapse milne ki tarkeeb hoti hai...
  55. Hum iss qadar tumpe mar mittege Tum jahan dekhoge hum hi tumhe dikhege Rakhna har pal iss dil mein hamari yaad Hamare baad hamare pyar ki daastaan duniya vaale likhege
  56. Chahat Teri Pehchan He Meri… Mahobbat Teri Shaan He Meri… Hoke Juda Tujse Kya Reh Paunga… Tu To Aakhir Jaan he Meri…
  57. Kisi k paas ane me waqt lagta h kisi ko apna banane me waqt lagta h, humne bahut pahle mangi thi apki dosti, par khuda ne kaha anmol cheez pane me waqt lagta hai.
  58. Ye Promise Hai Humara, Na Chhodenge Kabhi Saath Tumhara. Jo Gaye Tum Hume Bhool Kar, Le Aayenge Pakad Kar Haath Tumhara.
  59. Rote hain tanha dekh kar mujhko wo raaste, Jin pe tere baghair main guzra kabhi na tha.
  60. Use ko to bichadne ka tarika bhi nahi aata, Jate jate khud ko mere dil me hi chhod gaya.
  61. Zindagi Kitni Khubsurat hoti, Agar teri chahat adhoori na hoti, Kuchh uljhane khuchh majbooriyan hoti beshak, Magar pyar mein itni dooriyan na hoti
  62. Dilon mein aarzu ke diye jalte rahenge aakhon se aansu nikalte rahenge aap shamaa bankar dil mein roshani toh karo hum to mom bankar pighalte rahenge..